Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
