i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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