You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
