when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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