i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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