On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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