I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
