Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
home. puking in laundry basket.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
