Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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