cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
