Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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