I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
