those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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