I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
