Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
