New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
