i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
