How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
