I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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