she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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