You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
