One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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