My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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