I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
