bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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