Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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