just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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