just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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