don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
