proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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