Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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