Please, let me fuck your mom
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
