I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
