They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
