The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just tell him i said nine months
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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