he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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