Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the liver wants what the liver wants
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
