Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
why is half of my head shaved?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
