i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your cock deserves a montage
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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