Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
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Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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