there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
