I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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