seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
