How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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