I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
