If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
