Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he was CRYING into my vagina
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
