you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
