can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
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Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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