My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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