Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
